Day Four - Body image

Today Rosie asks us to consider the history we have had with body image. How has body image impacted our lives through the years and what have we allowed or denied ourselves due our perception of how others see our appearance? What have we gained and lost?

Wow. How much time do you have?? 

I was a very tall child. I am 6ft now. I was tall with dark hair, I had hairy legs and arms. Unlike the crowd of small blond girls that I was surrounded by. I was always told "Oh my god! You're HUGE!!" Not, that I was tall and beautiful, no, huge. I was beautiful. I look back at photos of myself then and I was stunning from an early age. But I didn't think I was. I felt huge and hairy and out of place. 

I was always criticised by the bully best friend who was constantly fighting with her own issues, she was overweight and depressed due to family issues and was dieting in primary school. There was always a lot of discussion amongst the girls about how I dressed or what I was wearing or my hair or whatever. I was always assessed, criticised, judged. I never felt good enough for those girls. Never. Even though I was conventionally more beautiful than the lot of them put together! So began my obsession with needing the 'right' outfit to feel confident enough to go to events.

My disconnect between how beautiful I was and how I felt went all the way through high school. I remember finally knowing I looked amazing in my formal dress, but was too afraid to show it. I changed the dress so I didn't look as good, so I didn't stand out, so I wouldn't get attention. I still do this, try to make sure my friend is in the better situation, try to make sure I don't over shadow her.

I met my husband YOUNG. I was 17. He was 6 years older. Meeting him, he helped me to realise I was beautiful, I finally started to feel good in my bones and like my body. I was very slim and could fit into any clothes I wanted. Why wouldn't I feel good?!

Then I got myself a nice big anxiety disorder, and for reasons we will go into on another day started gaining weight. FAST. I gained a huge amount in a very small amount of time. 

This started the years and years of dieting and yo-yoing weight. I had never been overweight, my parents are slim, their parents were slim. I am genetically meant to be slim. Initially I didn't really have much of a connection between my ego and my weight. The soft cocoon of love my husband had wrapped me in meant I never really stopped feeling beautiful regardless of what my weight was. It's funny, I still look back at that time and see myself as deluded. HOW could I not feel crappy about myself when I was fat?!? What a terrible thing to think…

It was really after the birth of my second child, when I had the Bad Year. I had devastating post natal depression, I was suicidal, I was working too much (earned the same in the 3mths after her birth as in the YEAR before) and my then 'best friend' dumped me because I was 'too negative' and 'bringing her down'. Nice eh??

I lost 52kg in 12 months through not eating. I stuck to roughly 500 calories a day and was basically anorexic. I didn't care what I looked like, I was convinced I was still hideous and fat. It was only when I tried on some clothes that I was convinced would be too tight, and they were falling off me that I could start to see maybe my shape was changing.

Then the two years of madness began. I LOVED my new shape. I felt confident and happy. Comfortable going to events (always had crippling social anxiety) happy to shop, all of it. People were STUNNED by what I looked like. They didn't recognise me. They virtually swooned over me, especially after I told them I'd lost 52kg people would nearly fall over! It was great! I also felt like I had magically done the thing I always wanted, I had shrunk, I felt almost like I had made myself shorter. I felt righteous. I would go into shops knowing my BMI was perfect and I was only one inch taller than model height and demand to know why their clothes STILL didn't fit me?! I felt valid. I felt real. I felt STRONG and powerful. I felt like a grown up like I was a real woman. I felt no shame about my body. I knew after two kids it wasn't perfect, but my god, I could look at my legs in jeans all day long just glorying in the perfection of them. I wore makeup, gazed adoringly at my sharp knuckles and cheekbones. Also, I could FINALLY express myself through clothes, because I had some choice after years of horror plus size clothes. I thrilled at the fabrics and delicate designs and the joy of shopping. I loved how my boobs didn't sit under my chin like jelly on a plate. I used to look at my tiny neat bras and just loved them. I enjoyed all the attention I got from men. I had never had that before, I loved it. I never did anything, I was and am devoted to my husband. HE loved my new shape too, always prefacing the compliments with 'you were always beautiful but…' I felt proud I had done this and he was pleased too. I loved running around with the kids and not dying from the strain, I loved hopping up off the floor in a single move like it was nothing. I loved it all. I thought it would last forever. I felt I had found the real me. 

But then I started to gain it back, of course. Very slowly at first. I HATED myself. I thought I was ballooning up overnight and was out of control. I was starving and binging and hated everything. I have some beautiful photos of myself at that time, and I remember on the day they were taken I thought I was the ugliest thing on earth.

Then my thyroid died and I had undiagnosed chronic low vitamin D. The weight just flew back on, like nothing I've ever seen before. I was sick from all the undiagnosed health issues, depressed, my hair was falling out etc. The humiliation of that was unbearable. The horror of people seeing me and me seeing them bite their tongues so they wouldn't comment on my weight gain. All the back handed comments, or the outright, 'What happened?? You were SO pretty!?' (That gem courtesy of my hairdresser's wife). It was unbearable. 

I basically haven't come back from that place. But. I no longer diet. I am actively trying to love my body. After a session with my eating disorder specialist nutritionist where she told me if I didn't stop dieting I would damage my heart, I decided I'd rather be fat than that. I have managed to get a slightly better wardrobe after all this time, but I still hate most of my clothes. I have lost some weight recently through using Intuitive Eating, the principles of which I follow daily. But it hasn't changed how I feel about myself. 

Many occasions I don't go or I freak out about my looks before going out to a party or a dinner. Most days vary between being irritated by my body to hating it enormously. I hate sitting down and seeing my tummy, my boobs resting on my tummy. I hate that I've lost the face I used to have that looks like my Mum's face, my Aunt's face, my Cousin's face. I hate that I don't look like me anymore. I hate feeling self conscious and tugging at my clothes all the time. I hate shopping for clothes. I hate that people feel they can comment on my body, worry about my health, give me 'tips'. I hate that I can't eat in public from the shame of it. I hate that I am ignored by men, patronised by women and the odd child gets to tell me I'm fat (good observers those kids). I'm about a size AU 20-22 (one size down from that for the US), which is a lot easier than being much bigger than that. But, I still hate it.

I can't get past the two years of bliss with my body. I just can't. I mourn for it. Every. Single. Day. I want it back more than nearly anything else in my life. I sing, but I don't feel like I can start public performances until I'm slimmer. I feel like it's holding back my career, my ability to make friends, so many things. I feel so uncomfortable in the wealthy area we live in, I am one of only 4 women parents at our girls school who are fat. It's very very depressing.

I honestly can't see a way back from here just now. i hope this journalling process helps me to.

How have you seen your body? Is it your friend? Enemy? A long lost loved one?

Sorry, long post! :)

To join me in this journalling adventure towards greater self acceptance, be sure to get Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by the magnificent Rosie Molinary.

Comments

[mimbles]

Oh wow. Amazing piece of writing Kate. Sending you much love and *hugs* I'm glad you decided to keep blogging!

[Kate]

Thank you SO much Mimbles! It was a tricky one to write, I'm beginning to think they all will be! Ha! Well, that what I'm here for. Anyway, I hope it wasn't too depressing for everyone to read. Thanks so much for commenting. :) xxx

[HAEScoach]

I so love that you are doing this process, I love the honesty and humility with which you write. I would so love for all of us to share this journey as I think when we can connect at that level of honesty with ourselves and others we will be so much better for it. Honestly we will have all struggled in our own way and yet too many of us are still in denial. Thanks for sharing and teaching

[AmyJ]

Beautifully written, thank you for sharing! I wonder how many of us have similar stories?

I'm short - 5'1" tall and started dieting in elementary school because I was always "thick." My mom was slim and I took after my dad. I look at pics from back then and wonder what in the world I was thinking. No, I wasn't slim like my ballerina friend, but I was in no way overweight. But I was convinced that I was fat. From there, the yoyo-ing began, and it's been an uphill battle ever since. Three years ago I started running to try (again) to lose the weight. I did it! I was starting to feel amazing about my body, as you were.

But I only had one year of bliss with my body before starting to gain it all back (and more). I was so driven to keep the weight off that I didn't listen when my ankle started complaining about the running regimen - until I could barely walk. I permanently injured my tendon, and now I can't run at all without pain. Sometimes even walking a long way can put me in a wrap the next day.

Recently a friend of mine suggested I read Linda Bacon's Health at Every Size. Now, I don't weigh myself - ever. I try to remember to love my body for all of the amazing things it does for me, and I try to nourish it with good food (and good tasting food, too), and move it in fun ways. I'm so much happier with my body as my friend rather than my enemy. :)

[KatieP]

Dearest Kate

What a wonderfully written piece full of honesty and rawness. I don't have any answers just the reassurance that you're not alone.

Deep inside all of us who used to be "too" skinny, we long for those days ...

But I long for other things I can never have or be so I won't let it stop me squeezing every moment of joy I can out of life.

Sending love xxx

[Kate]

AmyJ, thank you soooooo much for sharing your story!! I'm honored to have it here as part of this.

I'm so glad you found Health At Every Size. Have you read Intuitive Eating? That's another fantastic one. It's pretty much my bible on food and eating stuff.

Amazing how similar our stories are. I'm convinced the long list of autoimmune diseases I was struck down with after the bad year were caused by the lack of food. I'm so sorry to read of your injury.

I wish there was a way for young girls to see how lovely they are. But really, the attention should be given to getting them to realize how worthy they are as people. How their appearance doesn't matter and will change and reflect their lives anyway.

I'm really glad you are feeling better about your body. I think movement has a lot to do with it for me, or I hope it will. I can't walk much due to bad feet, and swimming has become my special treat and helps my brain and mood enormously.

Thank you again for such a honest and touching post.

xxxxk

[Kate]

HAES Coach. Thank you! You are such a wonderful become of fiery sanity and passion on this topic. I hope you are right, that I am adding to the general conversation about this topic. I think it is THE very important work all people need to do. Self acceptance and self love is crucial to so many things.

[Kate]

Katie! I am thrilled to have you comment on my blog. Thank you!!

You know, I'd never thought of it like that before, the idea that being skinny again can be seen as just another thing that won't happen. Like, I won't have any more kids, or have lived with other men before my husband, or have lived overseas as an adult, or married George Clooney ;). But I don't mourn these things every day, I don't beat myself up about them and punish myself with them, so why do I about weight...?

That's quite the a-ha moment there. I need to learn to let it go like I have other things and see the BENEFITS and all the lively things I have instead...I really do.

Your comment has truly got me thinking. I can't tell you how grateful I am. Thank you. I will ponder this during tomorrow morning's swim.

xxk