Day Three - Self

Today's chapter was a tricky one for me, hence the bossy man above! It's an intimidating thing to do, to really look at yourself. Rosie asks us to consider how we feel about ourselves and why, and also what will as healthy sense of self and a healthy life give to us?

I find this hard because my perception of my self changes ALL THE TIME! There are days when I just want to crawl under the bed and not come out, when I can't stand to think of myself in any way but completely unpresentable, not just physically but also my chaotic personality. I hide on those days. I cancel appointments and avoid people. I have learnt through good monitoring those days can be triggered by hormones, but sometimes by a stressful situation coming up, and sometimes for no recognisable reason at all… 

Then there are days when I feel good, I feel like I'm a good, competent, loving mother, wife, friend. Those days I feel in control of my life, creative, energetic and confident. I want more of those days.

I feel like I'm unpredictable, can't rely on myself and deep inside uncertain and insecure, constantly questioning. I am drawn to numbness, zoning out so my brain can stop fretting and running, this can be problematic. I worry A LOT about what other people think about me and my behaviour. I can be proud, argumentative, selfish, anxious and bossy. I can also be fiercely loyal, open, warm, creative and funny. 

Why? Many reasons, but the main, I have spent nearly my entire life being bullied by someone. Usually 'friends'. I have a tendency to be drawn to domineering, charismatic, damaged women as friends. These relationships have been badly co-dependent, at the expense of more important relationships. These women have intentionally, and unintentionally intimidated, criticised and generally fucked with my head for 35 years. 

I think there is something in my behaviours, my personality that draws that set of behaviours out of them, that draws that kind of person to me. Not an excuse, but maybe a reason. I have rid myself of the last one recently. I have finally learnt. It will not happen again. I can now pick them from a distance, I can see the behaviours that would normally attract me to them. I can see it and walk in the other direction!

Strangely I picked the exact opposite as my gorgeous husband. :)

These 'friends' are of course not the only reason I have issues, but when you are bullied from such a young age it gets into your head. You start to see those relationships as being superior to others, the co-dependancy can be intoxicating, and the cruel words all the more effective and penetrating. I recognise my role in allowing it to continue, in being part of the very fused damaging relationships. I recognise these girls/women had many reasons for their behaviours and were very troubled. 

BUT. The insecurity that you get from constantly questioning yourself, trying to please, second guessing, relying on the approval of others, will damage your sense of self enormously. This year will be the first that I am free from that. I don't want to replace it with something, someone else. 

I need to reconstruct my sense of self, my worth in myself, love the parts of me and my body that I have learnt to hate. I need to reconnect to who I am without the powerful personalities of my past getting in the way. I want to get back to me, all by myself. Yikes!

A healthy sense of self will give me the strength to feel like I can tackle more anxiety inducing situations to do what I want, things in line with my values. It will give me a more consistent idea of who I am and how I will respond. I will know myself more without wanting validation from those I foolishly think are 'better' than me. 

I think what I want most is strength. Physically, exercising to get back in touch with my body, it's broken and sad. Emotionally, so I can trust myself, lean on myself, know myself.

Wow, that's a lot. I wonder if I'll get there…

Has your sense of self been eroded by people in your life? Do you trust yourself? Can you rely on yourself? What will help you to?

To join me in this journalling adventure towards greater self acceptance, be sure to get Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by the magnificent Rosie Molinary.

Update on Wednesday, January 4, 2012 at 12:01AM by Kate

I need to just mention, this post was hard, HARD. I don't write publically about the bullying stuff. It's a real step forward for me to let go of my worries about what others think and do this. Feeling a bit sick now... ok, maybe some sleep. 

I have a right to my feelings. They are valid. They are mine. I will do with them what I want.

x

Comments

[Rosie]

What powerful honesty. I often say that negative body image isn't about the body-- it's usually rooted in much deeper stuff and so the only way to heal is to get to that much deeper stuff. The other thing is that we keep such secrets because we think secrets will save us, but they don't, they isolate us. By sharing this secret, you will find that people are really responsive to your honesty and also have a me, too experience. It's by telling our secrets, actually, that we are reinforced. You are so right on to recognize that you are the person who has to be okay and affirming of you. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability-- it is really beautiful and life-affirming!

[Kate]

Oh. Thank you so much Rosie. I think you're right, I was worried maybe I'd missed out on the body image point, but I kept seeing it all linked. It's hard to be publicly honest and validate my own feelings. But I need to claim this space, my space as mine. Your comment has made me feel a lot better... Thank you. xx

[Simone]

xxoo