Where I've been

My Dad has been diagnosed with Cancer. He's ok, but he's had a number of surgeries. I'm having problems with my sister and everything is just HARD. 

I'm just trying to hang on, work, don't shout at the kids, stay sane. 

So I'm pinning a lot to relax and made this pin as I'm not doing a lot of creative work (just boring) at the moment.

xx

k

Day 14 - Banish 'have you lost weight?' from your vocabulary

Image from Pinterest

Today Rosie discusses her experience with people asking her if she had lost weight and how it made her feel. Rosie asks us to banish weigh-loss comments from our interactions. 

I have been working on this one for a while. About a year ago a very young girl at my work had her stomach stapled. She was very anxious about her weight and we spoke about it a number of times. I all but begged her not to go through with it, she was 21! But her terror and hatred of fat drove her to it. She lost an enormous amount of weight very rapidly. She also gained a wide range of food intolerance's, like egg, wheat and lactose. 

Everyone at work was constantly ranting and raving about how amazing she looked and congratulating her. 

I chose not to.

I wanted her to know that whatever her shape I would still be her friend. I would not see her weight as a personal achievement. I remember getting all those compliments, and while they were great at the time, each one of them stung me when the weight came back, and it always comes back. 

I think the other important thing about never trying to discuss someone else's weight is they then think, quite rightly, they can discuss yours. I will not be having a discussion instigated by another person about my weight.

For me when someone asks me that, I start to question myself, 'do I look super fat the rest of the time?', 'is this some kind of 'magic slimming' outfit?!' and 'how can I make sure I look slimmer next time I see them as well'. As Rosie says in her piece, it stays with me for a while.

I have taken to telling all my friends, that they look great, every time I see them. It doesn't have to be a big serious thing, a 'Hello, Gorgeous' is fun and makes them and me feel good. 

Weight doesn't need to be up for discussion. So many other things to notice about your friends. 

xxk

Yay Tumblr, no more self-harm blogs!

I know it's been ages since I posted. Things have been crazy busy and I've now got a shocking throat and ear infection as my punishment for not looking after myself. I had to post this because I was just SO THRILLED!!!

Tumblr, a sort of personal blogging service, a cross between Pinterest and Twitter, have proposed a new content policy.

Tumblr is kind of famous for heaps of self-harm, pro ana and pro mia sites. People set them up anonymously and they can be very hard to avoid. 

Tumblr is now proposing to change their policy to either prohibit them all together or to have a public service announcement that directs readers to helplines. I hope they go with either option, but do SOMETHING!

Below is their full statement. It's had 22,205 likes. 

Just quietly? I THINK THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!

All we need is for services like Pinterest to grow a spine and do the same.

Read on....

Feb 23rd, 2012

A New Policy Against Self-Harm Blogs

One of the great things about Tumblr is that people use it for just about every conceivable kind of expression. People being people, though, that means that Tumblr sometimes gets used for things that are just wrong. We are deeply committed to supporting and defending our users’ freedom of speech, but we do draw some limits. As a company, we’ve decided that some specific kinds of content aren’t welcome on Tumblr. For example, we prohibit spam and identity theft.

Our Content Policy has not, until now, prohibited blogs that actively promote self-harm. These typically take the form of blogs that glorify or promote anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders; self-mutilation; or suicide. These are messages and points of view that we strongly oppose, and don’t want to be hosting. The question for us has been whether it’s better to (a)prohibit them, as a statement against the very ideas of self-harm that they are advancing, or (b) permit them to stay up, accompanied by a public service warning that directs readers to helplines run by organizations like the National Eating Disorders Association.

We are planning to post a new, revised Content Policy in the very near future, and we’d like to ask for input from the Tumblr community on this issue.

Here’s what we think the right answer is:

1. Implement a new policy against pro-self-harm blogs.Here’s draft language we are planning to add to our Content Policy:

Active Promotion of Self-Harm. Don’t post content that actively promotes or glorifies self-injury or self-harm. This includes content that urges or encourages readers to cut or mutilate themselves; embrace anorexia, bulimia, or other eating disorders; or commit suicide rather than, e.g., seek counseling or treatment for depression or other disorders. Online dialogue about these acts and conditions is incredibly important; this prohibition is intended to reach only those blogs that cross the line into active promotion or glorification. For example, joking that you need to starve yourself after Thanksgiving or that you wanted to kill yourself after a humiliating date is fine, but recommending techniques for self-starvation or self-mutilation is not.

We aim to begin implementing this policy next week. Of course, we will allow any affected blogs a grace period in which to edit or download your content.

2. Start showing PSAs on search results for related keywords.In addition, we plan to start posting “public service announcement”-style language whenever users search for tags that typically go along with pro-self-harm blogs. For example, when a user searches for tags like “anorexia”, “anorexic”, “bulimia”, “bulimic”, “thinspiration”, “thinspo”, “proana”, “purge”, “purging”, etc., we would show PSA language like:

Eating disorders can cause serious health problems, and at their most severe can even be life-threatening. Please contact the [resource organization] at [helpline number] or [website].

So that’s our plan. We’d like your feedback. If you have any comments or suggestions, please email them to policy@tumblr.com.

Day 13 - Define Beautiful

Today, Rosie asks us to write down what the word Beautiful means to us. What has informed that definition and what compels us to use it.

I am a graphic designer. I have been using my eye to make judgements, assessments, to create, for my entire life. For me the word Beautiful is automatically one that I relate to the surface, to the appearance, to the form, shape, colour. There are certain rules in nature and our culture that inform what we are raised to see as beautiful. 

I am profoundly effected by beauty. 

I lived with dancers for a while after high school, they were near perfect human bodies. Just being near that astounding beauty, especially when they were dancing, is quite something. It effected me. I forgave and assumed and bent for the benefit of the gaze of these beauties. 

I see my children. So perfect, long lashes, smooth perfect skin, soft unearthly curves and tones. The natural tones and textures of their hair, their lips, their eyes. I'm constantly telling them how beautiful they are, I actually can hardly stop myself. And I know I need to balance those comments with the discussion of their personalities and identities.

I am always astounded by the beauty of men. In all their shapes and sizes. I can see the small boy in all of them. There are very few men I can't find some redeeming feature in, after some time.

But there's the rub. Time. Beauty is surface to me. Beauty is about form and shape and texture. 

Take Stephen Fry. He himself discusses quite openly his feelings of being visually ugly. He is. But then you see him speak, the wonderful words, how he thinks and writes, how he can use his voice, and he is lovely! But he isn't beautiful. However, you don't see that until you have spent TIME with him, or watching and listening to him. 

I once worked with a very beautiful man. He would smile his million dollar smile and we would all line up and do whatever he needed. But he was a real shit. Manipulative, selfish, amoral. But, he was still beautiful, and boy didn't that help his career. You can't figure out he's a shit until you've spent time with him for a while. The initial reaction is, he's beautiful.

I know everyone is screaming at me, 'no, Rosie is asking for inner beauty!!'. Well, maybe, but I don't see people as being beautiful inside. People can be interesting, complex, caring, contrary, generous all kinds of things! But beauty, beauty is a pure thing of the visual for me. Because beauty is simple. People, or more accurately, personalities, are complex. 

Maybe this comes back to my distrust of people. Beauty I can trust. Beauty is always beautiful. Beauty always makes me happy. Beauty can be made out of thin air. But beauty is not inside a person. People are too complex, too easy to appear one way and another the next day. People are in constant flux.

Including me.

So…I guess I have failed todays task?

xxk

To join me in this journalling adventure towards greater self acceptance, be sure to get Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by the magnificent Rosie Molinary.

Update on Sunday, February 12, 2012 at 10:04AM by Kate

I have been stewing over this post all night. I want to clarify something. 

There is a real trend for the body positivity movement of 'you are beautiful!!' thing. I get subscription emails from body image bloggers telling me I'm beautiful or loved or whatever, and it really irritates me, HOW DO THEY KNOW!? Some people, lots of people, aren't beautiful. They aren't! 

And, is that a bad thing?

I want the emphasis off beauty. Inner or outer. I obviously have a narrow view of the definition of Beautiful as most people like to define it as an inner beauty. But I don't see those who aren't beautiful as less valued, less valid or less important. I guess I value other things more in a person. But as someone who struggles with some black and white thinking it's taken me a long time to realise people are never always one thing. They are never all beautiful or all ugly. I guess when it comes to people, grey is important. 

I wonder if the body image movement focus on everyone being beautiful is a religious thing, you know, 'you are loved' and all that? I guess I just don't want to describe a person, something so complex and changing using a word that for me describes a kind of simplicity.

I want the things people can be valued for to be more complex, more varied, more tangible than beautiful. Those things are different for each person and change all the time. It's harder than mere beauty.

We are so much more than just beautiful.

Day 12 - So what then?

Today's exercise is about what we are REALLY dissatisfied about. Because our sense of dissatisfaction isn't about our bodies, so what is it? I love this quote from Rosie:

It's about something else that has kept us from maintaining perspective about our perceived imperfections.

So, Rosie asks, if we accept our dissatisfaction is not about our bodies, then what is it really about? What part of our life could we address to add more of a sense of contentment?

Oh man! I didn't want to get to this stuff so soon! TOO HARD! Make a coffee, this is a looong post.

I have been writing and rewriting this post for days. DAYS! I kept coming back to my body. I don't know. I'm not sure I'm where this exercise wants me to be. Which disturbs my need to please...

The thing is, this makes me think that there must be something wrong with my life, you know, I hate my job or partner or whatever. But I have a great husband who is incredibly supportive, gorgeous kids, flexible, relatively fulfilling work life, great friends, supportive loving extended family… blah, blah, I'm pretty lucky, privilaged. What the hell am I whining about???

RIGHT?!

Some of the stories that people write about online, they are living so much harder lives than mine. People with terrible, harrowing childhoods, no support from family, living with disadvantage or mental illness. Yet they keep going. What right do I have to whine about feeling bad about myself?! The lovely Katie P wrote a great post about this while I was struggling with this.

So, then I think, I have no idea what it could be about if it isn't about my body?! I HAVE NO IDEA!  

This is why it has taken so long for me to write this post. Every time I try to think about how it isn't about my body, I kept coming back to it being about my body. I know I have always used restriction as a way to distract me, as a way to cope with worry and anxiety and a sense of lack of control. Like for instance, I'm terrified about money at the moment, I would LOVE to distract myself by planning a new diet, i would LOVE to organise the food, plan out when I will be at my 'goal', I would love to start busying myself fantasising about my 'new life' that was on it's way! But I don't diet any more so...

There is power in beauty, not everyone wants to admit that but it's true. People are effected by beauty, they change their behaviour, beauty changes their reactions and thoughts. I have seen it over and over, I have experienced it. Haven't we all when encountering an amazingly beautiful person?

When I feel beautiful, I also get a feeling of power, of being in control. I loved when I was skinny that I felt, 'put together', protected, bullet proof. I loved sitting down without tugging at my top. I loved that other women were jealous of my shape, my weight loss, my control.

When I am fat (like now) I feel like all my issues, pain and bullshit are stuck to my body for all to see. I feel undone, vulnerable, exposed. I am waiting for rejection. I feel out of place and already out of the group before I've even said anything.

For me, there is something in that bullshit line of 'she's let herself go'. Like everyone can see all my failures. And in reality, when you are fat, everyone feels quite OK about telling you about it and what they think of it. So my body IS then an issue. My nightmare of 'people noticing me and what I look like' comes true when I'm fat like it never does when I'm skinny. 

I don't really care about what I look like at home. I don't sit on the sofa worrying about my appearance. I don't worry with my husband (mostly) or my sister or Mum. 

Ok, so you're wondering exactly when I have an issue with my body??

Well, pretty much if I have to be in public. 

I have suffered from agoraphobia, generalised anxiety disorder and depression for most of my life. It started as a child from the bullying in primary school and got worse (along with the bullying), much worse, in high school, to the point that I wouldn't walk down the street alone. It literally took me years to get to a point where I would feel ok going to anywhere publicly on my own. I was suicidal during this time and felt very trapped and fearful.

My Mother actually saved my life by pulling me out of that school and putting me into a vastly better, more friendly school, that allowed me to be myself more. However the issues from that time still echo through my being.

Many of the issues I had then I still have. Back then we dealt with my fears and anxiety by trying to help me with my issues, I was tormented by my looks and clothes by the girls at school so, I (and my poor long suffering Mother) was on the constant search for an outfit that would make me feel 'better'. I would find something that would work for that occasions, but it wouldn't work for the next.

I STILL DO THIS!!!! If not in the shops, then in my wardrobe. 

I have terrible anxiety and fear before most social occasions, hell, before having to pick my kids up from school! I obsess on what I look like, my clothes mainly, what everyone else looks like. Depending on the situation I will be mildly anxious, through to panic fuelled raging horrors and desperate to try and get out of going. I cancel often. I find once I'm there, I'm mostly ok, but often I will just not be able to enjoy myself, I'll feel too self conscious and separate from it all. I worry constantly about what I'm looking like, pulling at my top, sucking in my gut, ugh, horrible. If I do relax enough to enjoy it I then spend the next week or more deconstructing it, thinking, 'did I say the wrong thing?' or 'was I rude/thoughtless/selfish/obnoxious when I said that?'. That drives me crazy! I can really ruin a nice night out that way.

I feel that an enormous amount of these issues would go away if I was slim. (I know, I know, I can hear you shouting at me through the computer, but really!! I do!!) I would 'fit in' more. I wouldn't have to feel huge and out of place. I wouldn't be pulling at my clothes, I'd have clothes I actually like! I wouldn't have people giving me 'helpful' weight loss tips. I'd feel ok about eating in front of people. I'd have less panic before going to these things. I know these things would happen if I was slim because they DID happen when I was slim. Life WAS easier when I was slim. I loved picking an outfit to go to things in, I was thrilled to organise a huge party for my Dad's birthday and so on.

BUT! If it's all apparently not about my body (?!?!?!), then what is it? I am afraid of being singled out, excluded, picked on, noticed, not fitting in. I am afraid of feeling criticised, judged, disliked, ignored. And the reality is all of these things DO happen, to varying degrees, when you put yourself out there in any way. And I can't really control that. So, how I look is really the only way I can control it. I can't change how I behave, I can't change who I am, that's too hard to keep up over time...

But so is dieting to another shape...

So NOW what then?

To join me in this journalling adventure towards greater self acceptance, be sure to get Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by the magnificent Rosie Molinary.

Struggles

Day 12 is causing a bit of a hiccup for me just now. I'm trying to figure it out. Things are tough here at the moment. I'm having a lot of anxiety about the renovation and money and the kids have been on holidays for a month and I've got no work done! I'm feeling like I'm failing everyone at the moment.

SO!

Thinking about day 12 is kinda hurting. I'm writing and writing trying to figure out what the heck is the answer.

I promise I won't take long.

xxx

k

More Beautiful You!

A gorgeous girl I met on Twitter is joining in on the Beautiful You daily journal journey!

Cat Reidy is posting on her own blog Clearing Some Space. She's wonderfully brave and her posts are a wonder. She's also posted some amazing stuff about living with chronic illness and body image issues. 

Yay to more body warriors!

xk

Day 11 - You are not your body

Sorry I have missed some days. I'm doing a renovation at the moment and it's pretty much the biggest thing I've ever done. I have had a week of extreme stress and anxiety attempting to deal with various decisions, and decisions are NOT my strong point. I think it's part of me not being sure about who I am and what I want that I struggle to make decisions and feel good about them. I had no emotional energy left at the end of the day to face the book. But, I've managed to force myself into making some decisions that will move things on a bit and can now thing of other things.

Today Rosie discusses her own struggles with her body and others perception of her body. She talks about how she was constantly waiting for the approval of others and how this lead to her not accurately perceiving herself. I am paraphrasing like crazy here! It's a longish passage and I don't want to butcher it! The passage really is saying she was trying to form her identity through the opinions of others. Something i can REALLY relate to. 

Rosie talks about how people get too attached to their body as part of forming their identity. She asks us to start seeing our bodies as a vehicle as something we use, that comes in different shapes and sizes and change over time. 

This is tricky for me. My height has become a large part of my self perception. I don't think there was a week of my childhood when it wasn't somehow an issue or commented on. It is an issue constantly, from dealing with clothes to dealing with sitting on a plane or in a cinema. If someone was to describe me they would probably say 'tall, curly hair, loud' as the first three describers! 

So somehow separating from that and all the other stuff to do with my body is…an odd thought. I wonder how I can fill the hole letting go of all that might leave. 

I wonder if I might feel… free?

I've often fantasised about a world where we all look the same. All men and all women look identical. There is no variation. All we have is what's in our heads or what we wear. Of course we are all perfect looking too!! But, I like to wonder how things would be if you didn't have any physical issues to contend with or to hold you back. Would you have the same job, husband, friends?

How do the lovely girls in the photo deal with this. Their body is the same as someone else's, but their mind is completely different. As is their identity. 

I'm going to see what it's like to see my body as separate from my identity. It's something I can relate to from the perspective of Acceptance Commitment Therapy which I am a big fan of. They often suggest you see your thoughts as being separate from your identity and values.

If I can do it with my thoughts can I do it with my body? 

What about your body? What role does your body take in forming your identity? Can you see your identity without your body?

To join me in this journalling adventure towards greater self acceptance, be sure to get Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by the magnificent Rosie Molinary.

Day 10 - Good times

Today, we are asked to think back through our past, to positive moments, positive thoughts of ourselves. Rosie asks us to answer what do we appreciate about ourselves, what are we most confident about? And what was our earliest positive memory of ourselves, did anyone witness it and what was their reaction if they did?

Ok. So I'm going to start with now, what am I most confident about, what do I most appreciate about myself.

I am confident about being a good, solid graphic designer. I mean, part of being a graphic designer is self doubt, so don't get me wrong, I'm constantly doubting my ability and thinking I'll never get the client I really want, and that all those super cool hipster big swinging dick designers with their twilight hair and skinny jeans are of course better than me and get better clients, blah, blah, blah. BUT! I KNOW I'm a good designer, better than most of those boys. I have clients that have been with me for 12 years, once I get a client, they stay, because I'm good.

I am very confident about my voice. I know I have a good voice. I can sing opera, jazz, folk, pretty much most things. I have a good range and am good at improvising and when i am most relaxed and really unselfconscious I am at my best. I feel very confident about my voice most of the time.

I have quite possibly the best hair in the world! No, I am not exaggerating. I have inherited my Mother's hair. I have perfect soft ringlets of thick curls that just happen without any product. Or, if I decide to go straight, I have hair that behaves perfectly, with just the right amount of wave in the right spots. I get compliments about my hair all the time. I always say 'thank you, but it's all just good genes'. I am very grateful for my hair and don't for a moment take it for granted.

This may not be seen as a positive by those who love me, but I have a good analytical mind, and love a good argument. I was raised in an environment where a good argument was something to be relished and enjoyed, not something bad. I was raised to analyse and be able to verbalise those thoughts. I know that pisses off some of my nearest and dearest (especially when they are trying to get me to do things) and sometimes people think I'm mad when I'm just enjoying a good discussion. But, I know that my brain works pretty well in an argument or stressful situation. The worst that can happen is I may get loud, but I still love you in the end! This quality can be a bit much for some people. I hate small talk and I'm sure I can come across as a little intense at times. But it's who I am and I value it in other people. My ability to analyse also helps me with myself. I live to figure myself out, try and nut out why I do things one way or the other. It also allows me to see through bullshit pretty quick and that's very useful as a girl, when we get a LOT of bullshit thrown at us.

I think I am a good mother, but that is fraught with guilt and other issues. My kids are happy, confident, well behaved kids who eat well and don't watch too much tv. I strive to do the right things with them, I read about parenting a lot, I never thought I knew it all. But you know what? My kids aren't raised in a vacuum with just me. Their Dad is a huge influence on me and them, he is a wonderful, kind, gentle man with boundless patience and love. They go to a good school with a healthy mix of kids I rather they didn't play with and lovely kids, like life. They have a big community of people that they love and that love them, not just me. They are magnificent beings because they are who they are! They are completely different from each other. So, I think I'm a good enough Mum to get out of their way, and not mess them up too much.

My earliest memory of feeling positive about myself? I would say either riding my bike all day and feeling free as a bird. Or painting and drawing at at classes. Seeing the other kids be furious at not being able to get the drawing to come out right, and me sitting quietly watching and just doing my own thing. I loved doing three or four paintings when everyone else did one. I loved everyone raving about how good they were. I loved the feeling of a blank page being transformed into something, whatever_I_wanted. I loved the smell of water colour paint (still do). I love the sense of the whole world disappearing while I work, still do. It really did form a major part of my identity from an early age. My Father was an amazing water colour painter, he just hardly ever did it. But it's a very vidid memory, he and I painting together. I hardly ever draw or paint now. It's something you really need to do very regularly, it's a kind of muscle memory. I'm thrilled I managed to give birth to a daughter who has more talent than me and crucially, she had none of the self consciousness that I had about if others like her stuff or if it's good enough. I want her to hang on to that ruthless self confidence forever, and I want to learn how to get some of my own.

What about you? What are you most confident about yourself? Do you have qualities you like that others don't so much and you don't care?! Can you remember as a kid feeling good about yourself? Are you still in touch with that thing?

To join me in this journalling adventure towards greater self acceptance, be sure to get Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by the magnificent Rosie Molinary.

Day 9 - Words

Rosie asks us to take note of the words we use about ourselves. To think about how we feel when we speak about ourselves. Think about sentences that keep coming to your lips. Journal about them until you discovers some truths about what those words mean to you. Examine the meaning behind the words you speak.

At first when I read this I thought, well, I don't say bad things out loud about myself. But then as I went to write this post I remembered something my wonderful singing teacher and I have been discussing. She and I talk A LOT more than we sing! But she sees singing and self acceptance and body image to be all intermingled.

She has been on at me for the longest time about not saying the word crazy. I never realised it but I describe myself as crazy all the time. Me and my family have always had the 'we are all crazy, you're not allowed in OUR family unless you are crazy'. It's been a joke. But my signing teacher wants me to stop. She sees it as undermining myself. She does't think I'm crazy and she's always on at me to stop saying it.

I think it's a form of excusing or explaining myself. It's a way of apologising for myself. 

Why do I do that??

I am not crazy. I do not need to excuse, explain or apologise for myself, my feelings, my behaviours or thoughts. 

I never thought of it that way before... 

I am now going to fine myself every time I call myself crazy. i may have a lot of self appreciation money to spend soon!

To join me in this journalling adventure towards greater self acceptance, be sure to get Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by the magnificent Rosie Molinary.